So much depends upon

The fall is my busy season at work. And by busy, I mean crazy and flat out. I have a staff of 5 for 4 months and I (along with my colleagues) try to maintain what we call "game face"- the appearance that all is well regardless of the level of fundraising crisis we are now face to face with. So we call the fall- "campaign". And campaign is always busy, the time when all the planning we have done comes to fruition in a maddening pace. 

Combine campaign with family crisis and you gave the reason for a long absence on the blog. 

My mother has been battling metastasized breast cancer for the last 2 years. And one month ago we found out the cancer had spread to her brain and her bones. A sad shock to say the least. So I took a week off to be with my mom as she dealt with the news and as she prepped or surgery. 

That meant taking a week off the week of campaign, leaving the chaos in the hands of my generous coworkers. God bless their support. 

In the end, Mom made it through brain surgery and is recovering well. She is back to driving us all crazy, which means we have reached the realm of normal.  She starts radiation and restarts chemotherapy soon. 

While I may sound cavalier about it, I cope with it as rationalizing it as the new normal. Every time we meet with a new low in the cancer experience, I am able to deal with it (as a mere supporter) as understanding it as the new level of cancer normalcy. 

So this fall has been chaotic. And beyond my best friend and husband, who are both equally understanding and amazing, I seem to go back to one place to keep me sane: "The Red Wheelbarrow." 

This poem grounds me; it reminds me to focus on the basics, because that it what is important. I have stopped and gone back to this poem more times that I can count in the last month, and I am sure I will keep going back many times in the future. 

so much depends
upon

a red wheel
barrow

glazed with rain
water

beside the white
chickens.

1461 Days

I married the most amazing man 4 years ago today. 

I cannot express how lucky I am to have him in my life.  He is strong, firm in his morals, compassionate, and always makes me smile.  In the six plus years we have been together, we continue to love more, grow together, and learn more about ourselves, eachother and the world around us.  Communicating is easy and sharing our lives is a happy journey.

I am thankful to have him in my life.  He makes me a better person everyday.

Growing

I have to say that in writing for this blog, I am learning more about myself and seeing areas in my life that I need to develop further.  In reflecting on the post I recently put up about friendship, I realized that I was wrong.  Dead wrong.  In reflecting and re-reading, I sounded a little bit like a douchebag. 

I had noted that I was essentially OK with sacrificing one specific friendship if it meant that I could maintain another one.  Upon reflection, I realized they are not mutually exclusive.  And that basically I am an idiot.

I may have mentioned here that I am terribly judgemental.  If not...I am terrible judgemental.  And this unattractive trait is what has stood in the way of maintaining a 10 year old friendship. Knowing when I am wrong and working to recticfy the damage done does help, but only so much.

So I reached out to an old friend yesterday.  It went painfully sideways though.  I sent her a text saying essentially: I see from your notes on Facebook that you are happy and in love and I am so happy for you.  Miss you.  Turns out, I didn't do my due diligence and sent the text to her ex-husband.  Crap.  Nothing like having your ex' happiness rubbed in your face for a good time.  Let us just say that he wasn't amused with my little mix up.

But her response, when I let her know how I messed up, was funny and understanding.  More importantly, it opened the doors for me to be honest as to why I have been MIA from the friendship for the past couple of years.  And I expressed how I hoped we could essentially start from scratch and get to know each other again. (wow, I really sounded like an over-emotional girl there.  But I am one, so whatever).

I don't know what her response will be.  It could go in any direction.  But I hope that we can rebuild.

As I continue to write, I learn more about myself.  The great and the ugly.  And I learned I am not OK with throwing a friendship away.  And as I come up to my 28th birthday in a couple of weeks, I know that I am content with who I am, but will be even happier when I can be the person I know I can be.

Mentally Hilarious

She is not mentally deformed, instead she is mentally hilarious.  So hilarious in fact, she may end up as new moccasins or a rug one day (thanks Lani for the line).  These were taken in one very brief moment of repose. 

Melancholy midnight musings

I have been lying awake for the past couple of hours, so I thought I would get up and write.

What is keeping me awake is a combination of a puppy who won't lie down and sleep; too much coffee throughout the day and a mind that doesn't seem to want to wind down tonight.  I usually don't try and fight the wondering mind, but go with it and see where it takes me.  Some nights I think about work, other nights I get weirdly sentimental about random things and people and other times, like tonight, I think about my relationships.

Dear reader, you can stop reading and save yourself now.  Don't say I didn't give you an out when you stab yourself in the eyeball with a fork from the overkill of dejection seeping from the page.

I have this friend, who I have known since elementary school.  We went to high school, college and university together.  She stood by me when I got married, and I in turn stood by her when she got married.  And despite being close for much of the past 10 years, I feel over the past 6-12 months, I am having fewer and fewer of my phone calls returned, more and more of my text messages going unanswered, and just a general retreat from our friendship. 

Is it me?  Is it her?  Is it life?  My first thought is, what did I do?

I immediately go back to eighth grade when, for reasons unknown to me then and still now, my group of friends turned their backs.  I tried to ignore the snickers and snubs and tried to go on as usual, because admitting to myself that I wasn't part of the group, an outsider, hurt too much.  I could never figure out what happened, what I did or what someone said about me.  No one would tell me. It was an awful feeling.  And I feel echos of that now.  What did I do? 

Now, like then, I don't know what I don't know.  I am not always the most self aware person, and can be obnoxious and/or insensitive and not realize it.  I want nothing more for people to call me out when that happens, so I can work to right my wrong(s).  Because clearly I do not have the capability of avoiding the wrongdoing in the first place.  At least let me fix it.


Then I entertain the thought that it has nothing to do with me at all, maybe it is the fact my husband drank so much he vomited the last time, two times, we were over.  The only 2 times in over 6 years he has been sick from the drink - both at her house.  Nice one hunny.

But in all seriousness, I feel nothing mean or malicious in the silence from my friend.  She often gets so busy with work and school and life, the pestering phone calls must be the last thing she wants.  Or is this what happens when you grow up?  People grow apart?  I am by no means close to all or many of the people I went to school with or even as close to the some of the bridesmaids who were in my wedding, so why is the waning of this particular friendship bothering me so much?  Where is the expiration date on a friendship?  Did I pass my best before date?

I haven't even looked at the fact that she is the glue to a couple of other friendships.  As awful as it is, I think I could give up those more distant friendships (if they can still be considered as such) to keep this one friend close.


But I don't want to give up.  I will keep calling to check in.  I will keep texting to let her know I am thinking about her.  Because she is important to me, and I would miss her.  More than I miss her already.