Melancholy midnight musings

I have been lying awake for the past couple of hours, so I thought I would get up and write.

What is keeping me awake is a combination of a puppy who won't lie down and sleep; too much coffee throughout the day and a mind that doesn't seem to want to wind down tonight.  I usually don't try and fight the wondering mind, but go with it and see where it takes me.  Some nights I think about work, other nights I get weirdly sentimental about random things and people and other times, like tonight, I think about my relationships.

Dear reader, you can stop reading and save yourself now.  Don't say I didn't give you an out when you stab yourself in the eyeball with a fork from the overkill of dejection seeping from the page.

I have this friend, who I have known since elementary school.  We went to high school, college and university together.  She stood by me when I got married, and I in turn stood by her when she got married.  And despite being close for much of the past 10 years, I feel over the past 6-12 months, I am having fewer and fewer of my phone calls returned, more and more of my text messages going unanswered, and just a general retreat from our friendship. 

Is it me?  Is it her?  Is it life?  My first thought is, what did I do?

I immediately go back to eighth grade when, for reasons unknown to me then and still now, my group of friends turned their backs.  I tried to ignore the snickers and snubs and tried to go on as usual, because admitting to myself that I wasn't part of the group, an outsider, hurt too much.  I could never figure out what happened, what I did or what someone said about me.  No one would tell me. It was an awful feeling.  And I feel echos of that now.  What did I do? 

Now, like then, I don't know what I don't know.  I am not always the most self aware person, and can be obnoxious and/or insensitive and not realize it.  I want nothing more for people to call me out when that happens, so I can work to right my wrong(s).  Because clearly I do not have the capability of avoiding the wrongdoing in the first place.  At least let me fix it.


Then I entertain the thought that it has nothing to do with me at all, maybe it is the fact my husband drank so much he vomited the last time, two times, we were over.  The only 2 times in over 6 years he has been sick from the drink - both at her house.  Nice one hunny.

But in all seriousness, I feel nothing mean or malicious in the silence from my friend.  She often gets so busy with work and school and life, the pestering phone calls must be the last thing she wants.  Or is this what happens when you grow up?  People grow apart?  I am by no means close to all or many of the people I went to school with or even as close to the some of the bridesmaids who were in my wedding, so why is the waning of this particular friendship bothering me so much?  Where is the expiration date on a friendship?  Did I pass my best before date?

I haven't even looked at the fact that she is the glue to a couple of other friendships.  As awful as it is, I think I could give up those more distant friendships (if they can still be considered as such) to keep this one friend close.


But I don't want to give up.  I will keep calling to check in.  I will keep texting to let her know I am thinking about her.  Because she is important to me, and I would miss her.  More than I miss her already.

"how to get avoid train wreck women"

So I was looking through my stats the other day and noticed that this was one of the search phrases used when somone connected to this here blog.  I am going to assume that it is a guy who was trying to learn more about the fairer sex.  Oh and he is from the Southern USA.  (I won't get too specific in case he comes back one day, who knows?)

At first I read it as, "how to avoid train wreck women" and I though- good on him for seeking out some tips to avoid the pitfalls of hooking up with a crazy woman.  We all know at least one, and it is never a good scene.  But upon taking a second glance, I see he is not sure whether he wants to attrack or repell said women.

Or maybe he is just covering all of his bases, if he knows how to get these women, then he could reverse engineer that to avoid them too.

Welcome this insight into how my brain works.  It is good times in my head.

Seeking the positive

So I would be lying through my teeth if I said that I don't like the sound of my own voice. I am a talker, a sharer, a look-at-me-I-did-something-good-please-praise-me kind of person.

I am however, really trying to keep my share-everything-with-the-world moments on a positive note.  I have been noticing as of late that there are people who just aren't happy, are really miserable and want to share their complaints point by point with the world.  I don't want to be part of that club. 

This is a new experiment for me.  I have always referenced myself as a complainer, but that isn't who I want to be.  I get too aggravated by those who take the time to post long complaints on Facebook or their blogs. 

Shall I be more specific?  This might piss some folks off but, here we go: 

My mom has been battling breast cancer in her lungs with 2 years straight of chemo- that is tough shit to handle and she handles it with a great amount of positive energy.  Yet there are folks in my life that complain about everything. I want to shake them and say, "Your like is not that hard, suck it up.  You have a job, or you have your health, or you are able to have a family.  Enjoy it!"  No one wants to be constantly bombarded by the negative energy of a bunch of Eeyores .

I am not discounting that everyone has struggles and need to reach out for support from those around them.  But if you are complaining in every post, in every conversation, people are going to have enough and want to distance themselves.

So after recognizing that there are bits of that in me, I said, "Enough of that."  And so my first step was to keep my Facebook postings on a light and generally happy note.  That has been a relatively easy task.  Next step - stop complaining about everything else in my day to day conversations.  Weening myself off the negative.

I have a long way to go, lets not kid ourselves.  But it took until now for me to realize that if I can't stand complainers, people must really not like when I whinge and whine about work or my commute or about all of the other complainers that annoy the snot out of me.

First step - be positive.  Second step - stop talking about myself so much.  Bah, then what will I have to talk about?

*KNOCK KNOCK* ... Is this thing on?

Ok, so it has been a while.  I was taking quiet, self-reflective time to meditate and seek out my authentic voice. 

um...

If that makes you respect me more in the morning, then you can believe that.

Really, I was just busy.  Busy with work; busy with sweeping twice a day due to a shedding dog and busy with the summer line up of trashy TV.  I had many great intentions to post some off-beat thoughts and musings combined with poor quality point and shoot photos, but that really didn't pan out now did it?

But I love and missed all 12 people who have ever accidentally linked into my blog.  Especially you, you crazy IP address from Russia.

So the plan is to not make a plan.  I will write when I have the urge and the time.  Because with this here blog, I am not seeking to be a Somebody, I am ok with just being just one of a gazillion nobody bloggers.  Although I do get a kick out of the many bloggers who think and write as if they are capital "S" Somebodies in the social media world.  I love observing self delusion.  I prefer the somebodies (small "S") who have so much to celebrate in their nobody worlds.  But whether you are a nobody, a somebody or a Somebody, I will read all of your archived posts way back to 2002, I can't help it.  I must consume. But I will judge you while I read.

But what goes around, comes around.  You can feel free to judge me.  In fact, judge me based on the content or the fact that I made the error of cutting my own bangs this morning.  It is never a good scene when I cut my own hair.

So I have to head out now.  You are cutting into the premier of The Bachelor Pad.  Seriously.

I am a bad blogger

Ok, it has been a month since I have last posted - a good blogger I am not.  But too bad, that is how it is.  Life- it happens, and while activities and conversations are documented in my brain as good fodder for the blog, I haven't taken it that one step further- to the blog.  I am a bad blogger.  Good thing, I do not see this as a financially viable way to sustain myself.  Good thing I have a day job - and it isn't blogging.

I will spend some time over the next couple of days getting some things up here and out into the interwebs.  I will attempt in documenting our travails and goings ons as of late, including:

• The drive in theatre - first trip there this year.
• Day trip with the dogs out to a lake and a very long and bumpy gravel road.
• A trip on a boat with my mother, and no one was pushed overboard.

In the meantime, please look at our beasts - Marla and Tucker.  Marla loves the mud, and loves to bring it in the house and spread it all around.  One day she will have a mop attached to her tail and she can for once clean up after herself.