Melancholy midnight musings

I have been lying awake for the past couple of hours, so I thought I would get up and write.

What is keeping me awake is a combination of a puppy who won't lie down and sleep; too much coffee throughout the day and a mind that doesn't seem to want to wind down tonight.  I usually don't try and fight the wondering mind, but go with it and see where it takes me.  Some nights I think about work, other nights I get weirdly sentimental about random things and people and other times, like tonight, I think about my relationships.

Dear reader, you can stop reading and save yourself now.  Don't say I didn't give you an out when you stab yourself in the eyeball with a fork from the overkill of dejection seeping from the page.

I have this friend, who I have known since elementary school.  We went to high school, college and university together.  She stood by me when I got married, and I in turn stood by her when she got married.  And despite being close for much of the past 10 years, I feel over the past 6-12 months, I am having fewer and fewer of my phone calls returned, more and more of my text messages going unanswered, and just a general retreat from our friendship. 

Is it me?  Is it her?  Is it life?  My first thought is, what did I do?

I immediately go back to eighth grade when, for reasons unknown to me then and still now, my group of friends turned their backs.  I tried to ignore the snickers and snubs and tried to go on as usual, because admitting to myself that I wasn't part of the group, an outsider, hurt too much.  I could never figure out what happened, what I did or what someone said about me.  No one would tell me. It was an awful feeling.  And I feel echos of that now.  What did I do? 

Now, like then, I don't know what I don't know.  I am not always the most self aware person, and can be obnoxious and/or insensitive and not realize it.  I want nothing more for people to call me out when that happens, so I can work to right my wrong(s).  Because clearly I do not have the capability of avoiding the wrongdoing in the first place.  At least let me fix it.


Then I entertain the thought that it has nothing to do with me at all, maybe it is the fact my husband drank so much he vomited the last time, two times, we were over.  The only 2 times in over 6 years he has been sick from the drink - both at her house.  Nice one hunny.

But in all seriousness, I feel nothing mean or malicious in the silence from my friend.  She often gets so busy with work and school and life, the pestering phone calls must be the last thing she wants.  Or is this what happens when you grow up?  People grow apart?  I am by no means close to all or many of the people I went to school with or even as close to the some of the bridesmaids who were in my wedding, so why is the waning of this particular friendship bothering me so much?  Where is the expiration date on a friendship?  Did I pass my best before date?

I haven't even looked at the fact that she is the glue to a couple of other friendships.  As awful as it is, I think I could give up those more distant friendships (if they can still be considered as such) to keep this one friend close.


But I don't want to give up.  I will keep calling to check in.  I will keep texting to let her know I am thinking about her.  Because she is important to me, and I would miss her.  More than I miss her already.